Saturday, January 30, 2010

Two timer troubles

Dear death:

I am 20 years old. I've been seeing my boyfriend since we were both in high school. We became really serious after graduation, and started having sex last year. The subject of marriage comes up every few months, but he always finds a reason to put off commitment. I understand how that is and I'm willing to wait. But that's not the problem. The problem is that now he's using his "time until commitment" to see other women! He's not even shy about it, and yesterday introduced me to a girl he is seeing besides me! I cried for 6 hours straight. It is so unfair! What should I do?

Signed, Frustrated in Folsom

Dear Frustrated:

You may have given yourself too quickly, but that's not a woman's fault. And who am I to talk; I gave myself the first day! But if my boyfriend now wanted to see other women I'd send him away for a month-long tour with instructions not to come back a day before! Because once he found out they were nothing in comparison, and then spent a few weeks with nothing besides, he would be back in no time and prepared to suffer for it. Of course being death gives me an advantage (I could just kill him) but in your case you have familiar, comfortable, and understood going for you. When he's going through the early stages of relating with a strange female and dealing with a woman's necessary trials, he'll remember how sweet and understanding you were and all those trouble-free years together and he'll want that back. It's what we having going for us, we patient girls, and some men only recognize it once it's gone. When they do, we win. Forever.

And you know what, forever is the most important thing a woman has to offer.

In the meantime, go meet some nice guys to occupy your time. You still have that daring too-short skirt and those naughty too-high heels, right? Dig them out, dust them off, and go hunting!

Warm regards,

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Won't wear helmet

Dear death:

I am a single mother of three. My eldest child of 16 won't wear his helmet when he's on his bicycle. I tell him it's the law, I tell him it's important, and I tell him his younger siblings need a good role model. But nothing I say seems to make the least difference. Then he comes home in the evening covered in scrapes from doing stunts and falling. I am becoming frantic with worry. What should I do?

Signed, Worried in Wichita

Dear Worried:

Children at that age seem to believe they are immortal and often cannot appreciate the efforts parents and society take to ensure that they survive into adulthood. It's a pity really as some invariably do not, and most of those as don't would have liked to. But I do need to kill on the order of 100 people a minute you know, and I'm not particular who it is. Though it might be hard as a mother you really do owe it to your son to remind him of this.

Best of luck,

That change in life

Dear death:

I have a problem of some kind but I can’t figure it out. I am 22 years old and I can’t get out of bed in the morning. I have no energy most days, and it seems like I’m eating less. I feel numb all the time and my friends say I’m acting cold and distant. I sense something has changed in my life, but I can’t pin it down. Is this just growing up? Does everyone experience this? What’s wrong with me?

Signed, Listless in Los Angeles

Dear Listless:

There is nothing in the least wrong with you. Everyone will eventually experience once in their lives the same thing as you describe. It is simply that you are dead. Enjoy.

Love always,